state of mind•e

i paused at one of the door. at the crossroads. i feel everything. yet every time i accomplish something i don’t feel it anymore. it disappears. all the work put into it. like if i already feel this grandeur feeling doing just the little things… will it feel the same if i accomplish the greater feats i dream of?

it’s as if like i’m getting closer and closer to the end. the ultimate goal. the prize to be caressed by lady death.
yet. she alludes to me: ‘not yet.’ wraps a cask around my wrists so i can’t cut through it.

i need to fix my brows. face up towards the sky. my grandmother’s trembling hands. i know life ends. why do i have so many pending thoughts. it was your birthday but we don’t talk anymore. the jacaranda out front is blooming.
summer is beginning.

i am a horrible person. just like my father. using others to try to get closer to myself. and in the rampage, the havoc, the chaos of it all i’ve hurt you all and am even more lost.

“i don’t need a religion just one believer.”

my little brother reminds me to call our mom more. how her hair is grayer and longer now.
yet i cry too often still over the same faults and of future failures…

“i just really hope that all of this hurting is chipping and corroding away all the calluses that prevented me from becoming my inner most truthful being…”

my innocence was veiled by a thin sheet of cloth made of empty promises and enticing lies.

love is ungrasping the claws into the gentle grip of Omni and odin’s hands around my fingers.

pending…